20 Lessons I Have Learned From Lifetime Movies

Law Offices - 20 Lessons I Have Learned From Lifetime Movies

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Oh Lifetime Movie Network, how many gargantuan reasons are there for your existence? Countless, in my opinion. The most important though is that you have taught me many a life chapter where my parents, school and community have failed. You fill in the holes of the information women are missing and desperately need. I never would have suspected that I wasn't my parents' child, that the sudden disappearance of my best friend was suspicious or that a high school friend may be planning to steal my unborn baby if it wasn't for you. Your practical and plausible stories are classic parables that prove how underrated women are.

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20.) Any guy that is nice and/or telling jokes is automatically reckon of any crime just committed or a dark past. He's just too happy.

In every movie, the culprit of any crime or wrongdoing is the person you least suspect... And a man. So, who would you reckon less than the very nice guy just trying to help you with what you're doing? In actuality, though, he's just exterior his tracks and using to you do so or development sure that you never find out. No guy is ever just nice. Thanks for the alert, Lifetime.

19.) Step parents, surrogate mothers and nannies always have an ulterior motive.

Any movie enchanting a step parent, surrogate mom or nanny has never ended well. It commonly ends in a kidnap and/or ransom and always perfect uncertainty of who the true mom and father are. Basically it becomes 'Days of Our Lives' with the moral of 'this could happen to anyone'. So if you've ever wondered if you were adopted, you are probably onto something.

18.) High school is just one big, raunchy burlesque house and no one is good in any way.

Every movie about high school is always about the dangers of it. Every girl is basically a prostitute who hates all of her 'friends' and every adult believes she is a golden child. Every guy is numbed to their life and surroundings and just waits for girls to approach them contribution sex in hopes of being popular. No one has any brains or morals and if you try to, the aforementioned kids will systematically try to destroy your life. Don't worry though, because the other outcast kids that actually lurk in the shadows will help you.

17.) Men are bad. Period.

I think the basis for all for all Lifetime movies is evil of men. They always do something wrong in some way. Most of the time they are the bad guys. But, in the few movies in which they aren't the antagonists, they are just a hindrance to the women, commonly telling her she's crazy, ignoring her or something else wholly messed up. There are a few instances in which men do help women, but if there is, there's also at least one other man impeding her efforts. So, just steer clear of men. Nothing good comes from them. At the very most, they can only help women, but other women can do that, too. So, women actually have no need of men.

16.) Women are smarter, stronger and more trustable than men.

As you can see from #17, there's actually no use for men, because there's nothing men can do that women can't. Due to the fact that men are just bad, they can never be as good as woman in any capacity, especially in terms of character. You can never trust a man and he's too blinded by his evilness to think intelligently or with any fortitude. Women have to rely on themselves for that. Men are basically helpless without women. Again, thank you for the lesson, Lifetime.

15.) Basically everybody you know has a dark past or at least one deep, dark incommunicable they are running from.

If you think people are capable of important relatively innocent, honest and quiet lives, then think again! No one can just spend their lives in a small town without amassing at least one unspeakable secret. And people who have not lived in only one place are probably running from something. You best reckon these people (and everybody in general) are guilty of something and be very suspicious... Especially if they're a man.

14.) At any given time in your life, there is at least one person plotting to destroy you.

Evidently, jealously is the most abundant emotion in people, and the downfall of women, because it's commonly an additional one woman that wants to destroy your life. Men are too unintelligent to be jealous of you. This also ties into why you should always be suspecting people, but it's little more tricky, because you have to be on the watch among your own kind, women. So, if you have found one of the decent men that consist of the 0.5% of the male people that is good, have children and an adequate job, you best be on watching out for a new women trying to befriend you and existing friends acting weird. Either of those situations adds up to your life slowly being ruined.

13.) Ghosts do exist - and commonly have been wronged by a man.

One foundational element in Lifetime movies is bitterness and the potential to never forget. And, apparently this bitterness continues until wrongs have been righted, even after death. Since men are bad and responsible for most of the evil in the world, they actually have caused most of this bitterness and women won't forget it and by all means; of course won't rest until these horrible acts have been amended. And also since most men are only capable of bad things, there is one long laundry list of angry alive women and even more dead ones. And agreeing to Lifetime, they will Not leave you alone.

12.) Your life can be turned upside down in a matter of 30 minutes or less.

It's the same timeline in every movie. All things starts out hunky dory, then Bam, one thing happens and All things the woman believed is a lie and her life will never be the same. Of course, 45-60 minutes later the problem is solved, but agreeing to Lifetime, insane events happen speedily to all general people and every crazy thing can happen to everyone. In a snap, you can find out that your parents aren't actually your parents and the guy pretending to be your best friend is actually your demented half-brother wanting to use you as bate to find your real parents, because they are hiding from him. Oh, and he's in love with you. It can happen just like that. The chapter of the story is don't get attached to your life, because you are actually the only thing you know is true.

11.) Don't believe that your parents are your parents until they prove it.

Going along with #12, how can you ever actually know your parents are parents? You can't tell by having your mom's eyes or your dad's hair. Baby photos and birth certificates mean nothing either. Dna tests are truly the only way to tell. You need to have this done once in your life to make sure you weren't actually kidnapped as a pawn in the feud in the middle of these people and your real parents. You just can't trust anyone... Especially your 'father'.

10.) The only thing worse than a man is a rich, manipulative woman.

Being worse than a man is hard, but some women manage to be. These are commonly the girls from high school mentioned in #18 that have only gotten worse with age. Obviously, you should be wary of rich and manipulative people, but it's about 10 times worse when it's a woman.

9.) Being psychic is quite common - and they're always right.

Apparently, there are a plethora of people walking around knowing what has happened or what will happen to anything they touch. These X-Men-like creatures keep these talents quiet, because it's also a dark secret. So, at any given moment, you actually have at least 1 person around you that can peer into your life. Go to your happy place.

8.) Cops never want to help and are actually more harmful than helpful in any situation.

In every situation where person is overjoyed that the police have arrived to save them, the cops are Either useless or make the situation worse. Conversations commonly go like this: "Officer, I saw a hand banging on the window in the basement twice. There is person down there!" "Lady, you are sleep-deprived and bored and we have to take into inventory you're a woman, which automatically makes you delusional. You're seeing things that aren't there. Now, we're going to go back to cruising around. We'll be back in an hour when you're running around keeping a knife, bleeding and finally have some evidence." Basically, if policemen are there to help you, they won't, and if they're there about a situation that you're complex in, you will be blamed. The cops are just bad no matter what. They're mostly men, too. Coincidence? I think not.

7.) The law is useless.

There's always a way to have your children taken away without any proof, but it's practically impossible to convict a guy of a sexual crime. The law never works for the good person and is always twisted by bad guy to favor him. Lifetime movies prove that laws are unjust and we actually lived in a country with tyrannical rule.

6.) The only people with impeccable integrity are young mothers and outcast students.

Anyone who is popular or very esteemed has committed some bad deeds to earn that position and they are willing to do anything to keep that status. The only people capable of any good are those in the bottom positions, such as single, poor mothers and ignored high school kids. Evidently, the isolation makes them good and the only people you can trust.

5.) Underage drinking Will lead to kidnapping, rape and/or death.

In every instance where person underage drinks, a horrible atrocity happens. Girls are kidnapped, and perhaps raped and killed. Parents are terrified to try to break up a party, because they might get hurt by the animals these high school kids turn into. Basically, hell breaks loose when person under 21 drinks. When person over 21 does though, nothing out of the ordinary happens. So, instead of showing that drinking is an actually unsatisfying way to have fun or numb yourself, which leads to lax morals, judgment and and an whole downgrade of life that nothing good comes from, Lifetime goes with the angle of scaring kids into reasoning that if you drink you will deal with the decision of kill or be killed.

4.) You are smarter than everybody you know and no one else understands.

There isn't one Lifetime movie where the main character has a particular person sticking with them throughout the story. Each person at one point must stand against their friends, parents, husband, sister and of course, the law to prove something right, which is inevitable to the viewers, just not anything in the movie. Lifetime teaches you to put in order for this, because you Will have to prove a murder or that your child is actually yours at some point while everybody you know is lined up against you. Again, you see that you are all alone, the world is against you and you can only count on yourself. Your only chance at seeing insight is seeing some outcasts.

3.) If you have 1000 pieces of evidence to prove something, no one will believe you still.

Going along with #4, you will never be believed no matter what you're saying. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Officer! Something horrible happened to my best friend, Mary! I haven't seen her is 2 weeks and 'Help' is written in blood on her walls!" "She's fine. If there was something wrong, it would have been reported. Lady, you can't come to the police every time you guys have a cat fight." And if you have video of your best friend's husband cheating on her, you might as well burn it, because she'll never believe you and might accuse you of trying to get him all to yourself by tricking her into breaking up with him. When you're inevitable that a relationship is obsessive and can prove it, then you will called a bitter person who hates relationships. Let it be a chapter that helping may actually hurt you and no matter what no one will believe what you can prove.

2.) Your paranoia is founded and are actually just healthy cautions.

Are you afraid of the random person you knew from high school that just moved into your neighborhood though you now live in an additional one state? Or, do you not instinctually believe a woman when she tells she's pregnant? Good! That's just using common sense. Lifetime has taught that anything and All things can be a lie. If the soccer coach is keeping your daughter late at practice, don't just believe it was for the good of the team. There is probably a statutory relationship going on. So, be wary of the cable guy, even when you program his visit and the mailman, because he sees all of your mail. And, when you go to the doctor, be true what he's 'checking out'. There are people all around you lurking with deep, dark plans to hurt you in ways you never plan of.

1.) Every actor has been desperate adequate to be in a Lifetime movie at one point in their career.

It's no incommunicable that Lifetime isn't the top potential of entertainment, this list gives some hints as to why. It's been starting point or fall back for countless actors from John Stamos to Heather Locklear and many others that you've barely heard of or scarcely remember. One of the funniest things (besides the remarkable story lines) about Lifetime movies is seeing the scores of actors that show up and the roles they play. I'll never forget watching Fred Savage kill Dj Tanner from Full House or Tiffani Amber Thiessen trying to escape from her abusive husband. Okay, I probably will, but that doesn't mean it wasn't entertaining.

Lifetime, I thank you for being so useful. You've taught me more than any school I've attended has. You are worthy beyond your credit, whose worth unknown although your height be taken. Please keep new movies coming. I need to know who to reckon next of all the problems in my life.

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